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Wednesday, 4 December 2013

How can a hole weigh so much?

There is a huge cat shaped hole in my life which seems also to be a heavy weight in my heart.  My beloved friend who had shared my life for over 17 years has died and everywhere there are reminders of him.  There are shadows which seem to be him until I realise afresh that they cannot be, there is a pile of bowls and some packets of Whiskas in the cupboard which we no longer need, his brush and comb lie accusingly where I left them after his last brushing - his coat was beautiful till the last - and a box of little balls and toys which hadn't been played with for some while now.  There is no chirrup to say Good Morning when Mr M gets up in the morning to make our cup of tea, no soft warm body lying next to me on the settee, no need to open the door carefully in case he is just behind it, just a big empty hole.

The fire will be lit but he won't be lying in front of it, the mint will grow again in the spring and he won't be here to roll in it, and now that we can go out and not worry about being back early enough for him we don't want to go out anyway.  I hope that wherever he has gone he will find endless sunny days filled with birdsong which he can now hear and butterflies he can now see not to mention clumps of mint to roll in and maybe Bambi waiting to show him the ropes!

Having been in this dark and shadowy place last December when his sister died I know that there will be light and joy in my life again but just for the moment I cannot see how.  I want to lie low for a while and lick my wounds but I will be back later. 

33 comments:

  1. oh bless you Jane. The feelings you talk about and the reminders you have around you are all too familiar to me. I know exactly the heaviness of heart and the little sounds outside the door which trick you into thinking your darling is just there, waiting to come in.
    No words can ease how you are feeling now, but I'm sending you my love.

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  2. Oh Jane, I'm so very sorry. I know the loss of a little friend like that is so hard. You will eventually be able to smile at the many memories.

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  3. This is so sad, our furbabies are not just our faithful companions, they are part of the family, and it hurts so much when we have to say goodbye to them. Hold on to the lovely memories of all those wonderful years you spent together to get you through this. x

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  4. So sorry about the loss of your dear friend.

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  5. I am so sorry.I know exactly how you are feeling.Our gorgeous cat Ziggy died in September.He fell off the roof.He was only two so we felt we were going to have him for a long time.Our two previous cats lived until they were 17.There are constant reminders.Yesterday we moved a bookcase and there were some of his toys behind it.It does get easier.I keep looking on the cat rescue website and we discuss endlessly should we have another cat.Can we go through that sadness again.What will you do?

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  6. So very very sorry. Sending hugs xxxx

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  7. I'm so sorry to hear of such a sad loss.

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  8. Oh Jane

    I'm so sad for you.

    All my best wishes go out to you and I hope you'll begin to recover from this loss soon.

    Penny
    x

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  9. It's rotten. You and your beloved had a happy life together and I know how much you will miss him.

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  10. Oh Jane, so sorry to read this. They do leave such a huge hole indeed that does weigh so very much. We still miss our lovely Shadow who died earlier this year, it is so very hard. {{hugs}} to you.

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  11. Jane what a sad post. I know how you feel, we have lost a few pets. And it never gets easy. They are not just pets , they are part of your family for many years. Sending you lots of hugs.
    Rosezeeta.

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  12. So sorry, Jane, have been there with our spaniel and a close friend has just lost her beloved greyhound - these creatures really are family members and they DO leave a big hole when they go - both a physical and an emotional one. I hope you find comfort in memories and photographs and your friends and family. There may be other little characters to come into your life at some point. Bloggy hugs.

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  13. I am so sorry Jane, I know that pain you're feeling, it 's just dreadful! 17 years is a long time but you gave him a lovely life and really that is the best thing you can do for an animal friend, that won't make you feel any better at the moment though so take care.
    V xxx

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  14. Jane, So sad to hear your news. Be gentle on yourself, take time to miss your Baby. They are dear ones, our Babies, a part of our life and so deep in our hearts. I wish I could make it better but only time can do that. Hugs.

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  15. Oh Jane, feeling for you!
    Pets are like family and losing them hurts a lot!
    Thinking of you and hoping you know he is happy over the Rainbow Bridge!
    God bless,

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  16. We were just saying tonight how much we still miss ours even though it is well over a year since he died. Thinking of you Jane and knowing exactly how you are feeling.

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  17. You know the best remedy of course? Go and get yourself a little kitten or a rescue cat for Christmas. What better time to get a new pet than now when you are spending more time indoors with it and you can all bond together in your cosy home. Go on, you know you want to !
    Hugs

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  18. So sorry for your loss. I am sure he has gone to a wonderful place to be with his sister. Sending hugs.

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  19. So sorry, Jane. Seventeen years is a long time! And now your friend is gone. I think their bowls and little toys are the hardest to look at, those and their collar.
    My sympathies to you and your husband. Sending hugs across the pond.

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  20. Oh Jane I'm so sorry! Hope he didn't suffer too much. It was this time last year I lost the last of my 4 long living cats, Sausage. He was 17 too. After the crying stopped the house just seemed so empty with no one to greet me when I came in, no one to sit on my lap to keep me warm - I even missed buying cat food at the Co-op! But one day a friend of a friend of my son's was desperate to find a home for a little tabby and she soon made herself at home. There will be a cat that needs you one day and you won't be able to resist either! xx

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  21. I'm so sorry, Jane. Take the time you need to grieve. Hugs.

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  22. I'm so sorry that he's gone, he sounds like a wonderful little chap. And it also sounds like he had a lovely life with you. You were lucky to find each other I think. Thinking of you, CJ xx

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  23. God bless you, my dear. The loss of a Furry Friend is as hard as the loss as any human friend. Remember the good times with your beautiful cat - 1 I'm sure that finally, you will meet again for czlestial, heavenly cuddles - for it can't be heaven without cats, can it?

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  24. So sorry for your loss, I know it's a physical loss but, spiritually they never really leave you.
    I lost one dear Katie cat last December 25th and Dear sweet Rosie cat on 11th September this year.
    I cannot live without feline company!
    In time the pain lessens but you never forget them.
    Bless them and you.
    Hugs,
    Sandie xxx

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  25. So sorry for your loss. I know what it is to lose a beloved pet.

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  26. I came over to wish you the joys of Winter and find your sad news here. I am so sorry for you both and know exactly how you feel. 17 years is a long time and our pets are important members of the family. I remember when our dog died when I was a teenager, how I used to look at the space next to the rayburn where he lay down and expect him to be there. I would see the dirty patch on the wall behind (hope my mother doesn't read this :) and remember he was gone). Then, years later, when our previous cat had to be put down I was so upset that I cried for days. I know how you feel Jane and am so very sad for you.
    Sending you a big hug. x

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  27. I'm so sorry for your loss Jane, and know exactly how you must feel and the weight of that hole is huge.
    I'm certain your sweet friend is waiting over the rainbow bridge for you.
    Sending you a {{Hug}}.
    Rose H
    xx

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  28. I've found your blog through the Pause in Advent and just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved fur friend. Anyone who say's 'its only a cat' has never had the amazing companionship of a cat which welds itself to your soul, heart and mind. Loving wishes on finding healing.

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  29. Very sad to hear this. All the more poignant for the time of year. x

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  30. Oh Jane, I am so sad for you x

    I am horribly behind with everyone's blogs at the moment and missed this post.

    I like to think that the pets we have lost are really just a heartbeat away ... still ever present in memory, they never really leave us. Hugs xxx

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